He was sometimes so intellectual that I felt myself annihilated as a woman; at other times he was so wild and passionate, so desiring, that I almost trembled before him. At times I was like a stranger to him; at times he surrendered completely. Then when I threw my arms around him, everything changed, and I embraced a cloud.
CORDELIA DESCRIBING JOHANNES, IN SØREN KIERKEGAARD, THE SEDUCER’S DIARY, TRANSLATED BY HOWARD V. HONG AND EDNA V. HONG
The strategic retreat works in two phases. The first is when you are pursuing your target, and the second is after they have fallen for you. In the second case, they will panic. and fear you are losing interest. To preserve hope, they will pursue a more aggressive strategy, they will come to you. There is a link between a person’s libido and willpower. When they are passive, their erotic level is low, but when they are pursuer, brimming with tension and anxiety, the temperature goes up.
When you withdraw, be subtle about it.
If you’re interested in exploring the darker parts of human psychology that most people ignore, read The Dichotomy of the Self.
Each gender has its seductive rules which come naturally. When you seem interested in someone but do not respond sexually, it disturbs them. It presents a challenge, they will find a way to seduce you. To create this effect, reveal an interest in them through insinuation. But when you are in their presence, assume a sexless neutrality. Be friendly but no more. This will provoke them into implementing their sexual charm.
According to the psychologist Theodor Reik, we learn to love only through rejection. As infants, we are showered with love by our mother—we know nothing else. But when we get a little older, we begin to sense that her love is not unconditional. If we do not behave, if we do not please her, she can withdraw it.
The idea that that our mother will withdraw her affection fills us with anxiety and then anger. We first react by throwing a tantrum, but it doesn’t work, so the only way to keep her from rejecting us is to imitate her – to be loving, kind, and affectionate. This will deepen the bond. This pattern is ingrained us for life. By feeling rejection or coldness, we learn to court and pursue.
Try to recreate this pattern with your target. First, show affection, then, take a step back.
I retreat and thereby teach her to be victorious as she pursues me. I continually fall back, and in this backward movement I teach her to know through me all the powers of erotic love, its turbulent thoughts, its passion, what longing is, and hope, and impatient expectancy.
—SØREN KIERKEGAARD
Some people are passive, they need you to make the move. If you don’t, they’ll think you are weak. The pleasure from this type of victim is less than the pleasure had from the more active type.